very vague trigger warning: may be references to suicidal tendancies, depression, eating disorders or internalised homo/transphobia.
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hello everyone :) im sorry i havent updated in what seems forever. i have been busy with exam seasons, but i have three papers left and then it is all over. then i'm off to South Africa for a while and then i'm going to New York to visit friends. In the meanwhile, i became single again, started hormones, and am feeling really good. i'll make sure to post more...
-hugs, nana
hi everyone :) a lot happened that i need to update on. the date i went on last update ended well, they're my partner now and i love them a lot ^-^ i got my daith pierced on saturday and it was by far the worst piercing in terms of pain i've ever gotten (who knew your ear could be so painful?) and that basically kickstarted my need for body mods >:) if only "employability" wasn't such an issue. capitalism is poopy. i wanna get my helix next and i really wanted to get scarification done but that is dreaming mischa speaking ;) but yeah idk. i'm seeing my partner on wednesday again and i'll probably buy some purple hair dye then and hashtag treat myself, but yeah :3
-hugs, mischa
so much to update on :0 ok so for my birthday we went to Germany and it was really good. we kinda got stranded there for a few days but i had fun. plus everyone with their dorky accents were super cute :3 then i got an A* on an English paper and an A on a history one which i was rlly surprised about and then i went to coventry to go visit my friend, and we went clubbing and it was fun, but tbh coventry is kind of a shit hole. then i went on a date on Tuesday and it went well, and i'm going on another one on wednesday. i'm trying to take it slow because it's a little overwhelming but i like them a lot :D
-hugs, mischa
hi!! ok so march is my favourite month for a bunch of reasons, but i wanna share what i have going on this month.
so tomorrow i'm going to a university offer holder day, where i'll get to talk to lecturers ab russian and german, and i'm super excited :DD i'll also have a hair cut appointment on thursday, i'm going back to orange and getting a wolf cut,then it's my birthday on friday and idk what i'm doing then, but the day after my family are going to berlin (my dentist called this cute, i agree i think it's nice :D) then, the next week after that, im visiting my friend in coventry and we'll celebrate my birthday, and then at the end of the month id daylight savings, which means more sunlight!!! :) i'll try update my blog more this month, i've only made 2 posts this year so far, oof.
-hugs, mischa
i visited 2 universities since i last updated; Southampton amd Manchester. i loved manchester university, it really blew me away and i changed my degree i wanted to do to be German and Russian. Southampton, which was always my dream university, was kinda mid. it was just okay. but the staff were really nice. i don't know why, but i seem to just be very slightly depressed, and lethargic. my friend drew me and i noticed how ugly i am. idk
-hugs, mischa
i feel like life is like tv static, just random events happening with no explanation, chaotic and unpredictable
-hugs, mischa
I want the new year and 2023 to be a period of growth and change for me. The last three years i‘ve remained largely stagnant in that no changes happened, i remained the toxic person i was with no personal growth and i never gave myself the chance to flourish. I want to be better and kinder to myself this year. Writing this i‘m very depressed and at a low and that‘s how i know that this is a promise that is going to last. I think i‘m holding myself back by being friends with people who are holding me back and unconsciously peer pressure me into doing things. I want 2023 to be a spiritual year, a healthy year, a happy year, and a year full of connections, relationships and surrounding myself with the right people. I realised when i was with my best friend for new years that no one makes me happy like she does. I need more friends like that. I need friends that will spark that fire within me and that will respect me and allow me to respect myself. I wanna slow my drinking, quit nicotine and eat better and healthier. I’m gonna spend more time in nature, start being more assertive and live better. I want to find my other half this year, someone i can thrive with — either platonically, romantically or somewhere in-between. These last few months of school are gonna be rough, but i’m gonna get through it.
-hugs, mischa
tomorrow i'm getting my vertical labret pierced, i'm getting a haircut and i'm doing a tattoo, and then new years i'm gonna drink with my friend hehe. i'm so excited
-hugs, mischa
I was thinking about johannes kerkorrel‘s death today and wondering why I felt so immensely attached to him and why my grief was strong. Yes, my mum and dad knew him but he died three years before I was born, so I never knew him. My mum then said maybe it’s because he is all about everything I stand for - he‘s also a white Afrikaner who fiercely combatted prejudice, discrimination, fascism etc. And yeah everything clicked. Growing up my identity was always kinda messy — I was a white south african who didn’t have any positive rolemodels of white south africans and I certainly didn‘t fit the stereotype bill of Afrikaners being racist and stuck in the past. Growing up away from my culture made it even worse. But when i discovered johannes kerkorrel when i was 16, everything clicked for me. He inspired me musically (music plays a big part in my autism and stimming) and also allowed me to say you know what? Not all afrikaners are racist! It was a big relief. My grief about his death sent me into a deep depression on his 20th anniversary death date. Seriously, no amount of words i write will or can justify how much Johannes Kerkorrel means to me, so I wanted to write this open letter to Johannes Kerkorrel.
Johannes, though my parents had the pleasure of meeting you, i never did, nor did i have the pleasure of seeing you perform. You‘re an absolute asshole for killing yourself, but i would have done the same. You left us, and i have to accept that. Your music, the few videos i can find of you and photos are all i have of you. I hope you‘re resting well and easy, and I want to say I wish a part of you stayed with me. But you know what? Your music and your memory will stay with me for as long as I live. I‘ve become closer with my parents through you, and I truly believe a part of you is alive in me. I think I posted on my story something like „Ralph Rabie is dead, but Johannes Kerkorrel never dies“, and I truly believe that. My mind is in pieces while I write this; I‘ve always been so conflicted about your life, death, legacy, music and it‘s relationship with me, but through you I‘m learning things about my identity, my mental health, my political views, my culture and my relationship with death. I really hope that if there is an afterlife, that you’re resting easy, and looking over your friends, family and me. You’re the reason I cry whenever I hear “tronk”, dance whenever i hear “ry” or “sit dit af”, sing (horribly) to “halala afrika” and most importantly you’re the reason why I want to go into music. It’s an unrealistic dream, and it will never work out. But the impression you, a fellow queer white south african leftist person, have left with me is one that’s so longstanding. I wish I could have had the opportunity to talk to you about everything, to hear advice from you and whatnot, but I don’t know what I would say. Yes, you betrayed us with your suicide, and we’re angry at you, but I think we’re more angry at ourselves because we realise how we feel the exact same way as you did. I know that through my grief, I had to reevaluate my own relationship with death and my suicidal tendencies, and I think my mum did too. My mum deals with grief with anger, and I’m still working out how to respond and how to process; even while writing this letter to you, I’m trying as hard as possible not to burst into tears. Part of me thinks I need to get over it, part of me wants to just hold onto you forever. I don’t know what will do more damage in the long run. So I guess I’ll have to leave this letter on a cliffhanger. I truly love you as much as an obsessed fangirl can love their idol.
-hugs, mischa
i'm not gonna lie. i really am feeling burned out from this website. but i don't want to quit and i will never quit. i think i care too much about making this webpage hyper-aesthetic. but i'm trying to make it look good to other people that i forget that this webpage is actually for ME. when rhis website was still called gusonana it was so relaxing and therapeutic to work on a little passion project that was purely just for me and that others could come by and appreciate. but now, i think i want to return to that. i wanna put ugly sprites and buttons all over my website, keep the green colour scheme again and post really cringey art on here. i'm gonna break free from the shackles of the modern internet and return to the early web!!!
-hugs, mischa
was very happy honesly over the weekend (which you can see in the entry below) but oh my god has this week been turbulent. so i got a B in english and sociology paper 1, 1 and 3 marks off an A respectively. for paper 2 i SOMEHOW got a D. this is very unlike me because i have never gotten that low in any subject, especially in sociology which is a stronger subject of mine. so honestly i don't know what went wrong. i'm gonna go to my paper 2 teacher with my mommy at lunch (she's a teacher in my school) and yeah, i just can't wait for 2022 to be over. oh yeah, my cat also pooped on my mums bed which i accidentally slept in :c i think i need to perform a seance to exorcise my cat and cleanse my house. that's how desperate i am for a little control. all things considered though i'm doing pretty fine, and have been so since that one diary entry a few days ago.
-hugs, mischa
i'm happy today :) happy december!! i've been thinking a lot ab uiniversity, i cannot wait to make more friends. i wanna make more international friends, jewish friends, trans friends, maybe even meet someone who will love me for who i am. i really wanna date more asexual people. :(
-hugs, mischa
I'M WATCHING WEDNESDAY AND HELP WHY IS EVERYONE HOT
-hugs, mischa
this past week has been hell for me. just every little thing that could go wrong has gone wrong and i was late to college so i have a detention and nothing is working for me and i hate myself and i want to die
-hugs, mischa
halloween is over. it was pretty fun, i went as a femboy (basically me dressing how i would if transphobia wasn't a thing) tomorrow is bonfire night but i don't really have plans for that. i'm feeling very stressed, november is a day where my seasonal depression gets so much worse and i have mock exams in 2 weeks. bleh
-hugs, mischa
basically my dad earlier was talking about theythem stuff and being ignorant as always. but then he joked about moving to switzerland and putting up a statue of jk rowling and I know he was joking but when he says that stuff when he has a non binary child slash daughter . . . I don’t know .
the last time I trully felt alive was in germany . I felt happiness, fear, longing, it was a new experience and it was the happiest of my (teenage) life, and i was terrified to be there and ever since there i’ve felt nothing . I feel like i’m being held back but at the same time the only person that’s holding myself back is ME. I’m allowing myself to be like this .
I also get attatched to people way too fucking easily and when i see them care about other people other than me it makes me sad-jealous . It’s such a fucking SELFISH disgusting attitude of me to have. really fucking selfish . . . and I’m trying to get hello to get over this mind set but I never get any help? it makes me feel like the worst parts of me are incurable .
but because of this self loathing I feel SELFISH for feeling like this in the first place like . . . I really should not deserve to feel this stupid because I’m doing it to myself and other people have other more serious issues and Idk . I need to stop downing myself in self pity .
I thought typing this out would make me feel better but really it makes me just feel a lot worse .
-hugs, mischa
i don't know why but i just feel like death. i feel heartbroken for some reason even though nothing has happened and my dysphoria is so bad today. even worse, it's my last day in malta (not the reason why i'm sad) so my parents probably think i'm just being a huge brat. i literally just want to stay and rot in bed all day. i got a confirmation for an interview at manchester uni but that doesn't even excite me. i just wanna lay in bed and just... rot
-hugs, mischa
okay, so halloween is in one week and I am very excited. I don't know what I'm gonna dress up as yet, I was thinking maybe like a vampire or something but I don't know. all of my past costumes were always very goofy like doris from shrek or james charles, and i kinda wanna carry on that tradition but idk.
i'm also toying with the name mischa. i might play around with it for a little while, you guys can call me either nana or mischa. maybe i can have nana as my online name . . .
-hugs, okaynana
so i'm in malta and i feel so at peace - it's nice to have my mind taken off things you know?
but i got an email from uclan that said i have an UNCONDITIONAL OFFER. I'M SO HAPPY!! This means no matter what i'll be anle to study at university!!
-hugs, okaynana
i just completed a draft of my history coursework :D i'm gonna wait for teacher feedback and then work on it a bit more . i also worked on my english language coursework -- i'm analysing how afrikaans singers used language in their songs to dismantle apartheid and to reinvent the image of an afrikaner .
a few days ago i had a really bad anxiety attack - probably the worst i ever had . we had to do this revision session thing in a hall and it just felt so invalidationg because they kept ripping apart methods of revision i knew worked for me --- plus it was really loud so i had major sensory overload . so i went into the office and cried for a bit because i felt bad and then i talked to some teachers who were really nice to me.
bleh. somehow i just feel . . . not numb necessarily but definitely strange . like i said in my previous entry, i'm gonna be flying to malta on sunday at around 5 or 6 o'clock am with my mamma and my brother and then we're gonna have a cool and lekker time in the sun . my dad is then gonna join us on thursday. i'm really scared our flight will get cancelled again and idk, i don't wanna be too optimistic if that makes sense ?
what else . . . my dad and i ere talking about trans issues (it made me chuckle when he said he didn't know many trans people . . . heheheh) and he was kinda being ever so subtly transphobic - it kinda caught me off guard and i kinda realised how both of my parents could be unsupportive of me transtitioning. like my mum reaaaally doesn't want me to take estrogen but is fine with me socially transitioning or whatever, and my dad is okay with me taking estrogen but doesn't want me to socially transition . i don't take estrogen btw - wish i did though !
but yeah. i guess i'll keep all of you up to date on the Malta situation and what will happen . . .
-hugs, gusonana
my flight to malta again is on sunday. lets hope this time it isn't cancelled again :P
-hugs, gusonana
Dear universe, thank you for my health, my mum's health and for keeping my Ouma with dementia healthy. Thank you for my place at Southampton university! I love my course of linguistics and german and i love to study here. I feel so blessed that i finally get to study in Germany after all my years of work.
-hugs, gusonana
I start my day by waking up at 7:30. I’m too tired to actually get dressed so i sleep until 8:00. I then can’t find my trousers and i feel some sort of sense of dread. I don’t know why, but i find my trousers, and do my makeup. I then get in the car and go to school.
once i’m at school, i feel really groggy. We have an assembly which i usually hate since it’s sensory hell but i go anyways since we are registered there. Our assembly is talking about revision techniques and i get really angry, so i try to zone out since the assembly isn’t very autie friendly.
I then go to my English lesson and am excited to show my teacher my new hair, but she isn’t in and so i can’t show her. Instead we have a supply teacher who is kinda rude and this already sets off a bad mood for the rest of the day. I do the work and then the second period is history. We were preparing for our coursework (basically a dissertation) and i’m feeling really overwhelmed but i can’t speak up. I try to stim by flapping my arms and bending my fingers. I really wanted my teacher to notice and ask if i was okay but she didn’t.
At break i’m feeling pretty sad and ignored by my friends. I’m feeling also kinda overwhelmed and i start to talk about ways i want to hurt myself. I secretly wanted someone to look after me and tell me that everything will be alright, but no one did. I start to hyperfixate on my hair and how bad it looks, and whenever someone says it’s good, i cannot believe them. I’m once again feeling really overwhelmed. The bell goes and i go to my mum’s room for the third period. I rant to her and she tells me to stop fixating on my hair but it’s too hard to.
I decide to go home early since I don’t feel so good. I’m worrying about how i’m gonna survive university — i don’t think i can wait that long. I’m really worrying about school in general and live. I wish i could cry but i can’t anymore.
-hugs, gusonana
-hugs, gusonana
OH MY GOD was this weekend... something.
our tale starts on friday where my dad and i are going to take a flight to berlin. this time, it wasn't cancelled, and it was probably the best 2 days of my life. i felt so at home in germany and everyone was soo kind. i cannot WAIT to move there. we visited the DDR museum and i got a postcard and a trabant keyring and a book about east germany. Then we went to the jewish museum and it was just simply amazing, i felt like i learned a lot and was connecting with my past. we also went to topography of terror which was quite somber, and we ate some pretzels at brandenburg gate and visited the soviet war memorial. it was just the coolest!!
then an online friend of mine came over. we went to camden town and thought it was bleh, and then went to atika, a vintage shop where i got a choker. we then went to my house and watched beaster bunny. it was fun! but part of me likes to overthink and i was worried he didn't like me in real life as much as he did online. oh well.
then, we went to drop him off this morning, he was really nice and so were my family. BUT THEN. WE GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT AFTER WE DROPPED HIM OFF. oh my fucking god. in Afrikaans we have this saying; "kots in a tombeldroër" or "puke in a tumbledryer". i think that perfectly describes how this weekend was.
-hugs, gusonana
first of all, rest in piss queen elizabeth the coloniser.
today i am just so stressed. the queen dying (as much as i hate her) caused a massive change in my routine and the whole talk about it is annoying me and stressed me out. tonight i'm flying to Germany to Berkin and i'm really stressed since i'm worried my german won't be good enough or whatever. i also need to be able to navigate berlin and stuff and i'm so scared. then an online friend is meeting with me in london on monday and i'm so excited to meet him - he's really kind and nice, but he'll be spending the night at my place and i'm worried my family will be nosey or whatever, especially my brother and my dad. i haven't even told my dad yet. i'm worried that either my flight back to london will be cancelled or he won't be able to make it and it will prevent us from meeting or whatever but yeah, i really want to see him.
usually when i have panic attacks its about school and i'm able to go home to escape that environment but i'm not even able to do that since i'm worrying about travelling and my family getting in my business. i know they mean well but i am literally almost 18 and in university next year. i just agghhh grrrrrrr.
-hugs, gusonana
today would have been the day we flew home from malta. i say would have, because we didn't go last saturday since our flight was cancelled. i was very severely depressed and cried all the way home from the airport, but we plan to go in october. i'm going to berlin on the 10th of september, though, and i'm gonna meet up with an online friend in london some time after that.
-hugs, gusonana
this saturday i'm flying to malta for a week and i'm so excited!! lord knows i need a holiday :]
-hugs, gusonana
so two days ago i didn't get any sleep, nor did i eat. i went out for some drinks with my friends, and while i can usually tolerate alcohol, i passed out, and vomitted nonstop. my coat was DRENCHED in puke. my lips went blue, my breathing went shallow and i stopped breathing at one point. if my friends didn't put me in the recovery position i would have choked on my vomit and died.
my parents came to me and a few family friends who also dealt with alcohol poisoning and so did some paramedics who tested my blood levels. i woke up again at 3:00AM after being fully unconscious for several hours. i puked again and i went to sleep. the next day i woke up i have a slight hangover but i ate some ice cream and i felt mostly better. i won't be drinking at all anymore. but i'm glad i'm safe now
-hugs, gusonana
i know typing my insecurities out onto the internet and further dwelling on them is terrible for my mental health, and won't work, but oh well.
i was watching the commonwealth games today (go team south africa) and i got really sad while seeing hte swimmers' bodies. why can't i look like that and have a perfectly toned slim muscular body? it just makes me so sad. so then i wanted to exercise and swim, knowing full well it's not because i enjoy swimming, but because i want to look prettier. my entire self worth is based on how people view me and how people find me attractive. it's annoying, and i wish i could for once be happy with myself :(
-hugs, gusonana
i was at a music festival yesterday (happy birthday mamma :3) a guy flitted with me and i found it pretty adorkable, and i got cute glasses. right now i'm exporting my 3:00AM mixtape and my mac sounds like an aircraft taking off, and my kitty is sleeping on my lap.
i think i should develop our parasocial relationship by referring to you in second person. it would be more intimate. what do you think?
-hugs, gusonana
bonjour bitches
so today is a pretty fun day, none of my teachers are in bc of covid, so i'm pretty bored. i wanted to get my sociology results back today but ofc my socio teacher wasn't in. D:
i have english last period today so hopefully i'll get my results back -- i'm really feeling quite good about universities and whatnot. :) i'm just really hoping i'll also do good in german. the course i want to do at my dream university in the uk needs ABB. but i'm not sure where to do my masters -- either in south africa or in germany. i kinda want to live in south africa again for a bit so i can stop romanticising it in my head, but studying in germany will make it easier to move there and get citizenship, i think.
anyways, i've finished my personal statement and my teacher said it was really good :) i think i'm going to go out for lunch and get some appletizer and some ice cream, and maybe a stick of gum or some doritos. i quit smoking a few days ago and i'm really quite proud of myself :D i also got some glossier cloud paint blush which i can't wait for it to arrive. also, when my shein package comes, should i maybe showcase my clothes on here? what do you think?
-hugs, gusonana
i got an A in german, and a C in history :) i'm not sure what i got in English yet. I'll update later today :D
^gusonana
so next week i have mock exams for a-level, which are our predicted ucas (university application thing) grades. yes blah blah i'm stressed blah blah what's new. but my skin has broken out for the first time since i was 14 and aughhhhhh. :(
i wanted to get some perfume and some stuff from aēsop, but i have no fucking money @w@. hopefully when this week of terror ends i'll have enough time to actually do what i want... that is once my skin clears up :3
^gusonana
i got a macbook :3 it's from 2017 and it's a macbook air, with intel core i5 with 8gb of ram. i absolutely love it to bits
do you know what i DON'T LOVE, though? apparently it won't be supported by apple next year -.- just my luck. i'll prob have to manually install the next update and idk if i made a mistake. it runs stardew valley modded amazingly though, and i'm trying to configure minecraft to run with it :)
^gusonana
OMGOMGOGMOMGHDJSGHAGHAGHSGJH today is the 1 year anniversary of my FIRST EVER BLOG POST!!!! i've truly come so far :')
sorry i have left you guys for so long.. i'm feeling quite sad about web 3.0. i miss the days of when i was a child and would only have a ds on me as entertainment, so phone, no laptop... then i would come home to the internet as an escape from reality :') now reality has become an escape from the internet...
^gusonana
i'm very sorry for not talking much on here, i'm feeling a little depressed.. i have exams coming up in june and i'm far too sad to revise for them.. :(
^gusonana
listen,i KNOW for a fact that history happened and stuff but like.. for some reason i just really can not imagine life in the tudor times or even any pre modern era? it seems so bizarre and so comical that it just seems unreal hahaha
^gusonana
i think i want to convert to judaism. and by think i mean i've more or less made my mind up.
my reasons are mainly that i have the cultural connection to judaism, my grandma was jewish, but also because i've been interested in jewish customs and such since a young age.
the process on conversion is quite long for an outsider, that is in liberal, orthodox etc judaism anyways, however i'm more interested in humanistic judaism anyways, which states that anyone can "adopt" judaism, so long as they identify with the history and destiny of the jewish people. still, i feel wary about adopting this label around jews incase they don't accept me. i think i'm going to try the liberal judaism conversion process, and then follow humanistic jewish festivals and customs. it's quite a big jump to make, and i don't know how easy this journey will be, but i'm excited to commit to it.
^gusonana
i posted something on tiktok talking about how antisemetism is rarely taken seriously online. i expected people to be understanding, but nearly all the comments were facelees avatars talking ab how antisemetism is blown out of proportion and it's less bad than other forms of persecution. it's disgusting! this whole interaction has made me appreciate gusonana and you guys even more. on this website, i can talk with you, make friends, etc, however on tiktok when i make videos about cool stuff, i just get raided by a bunch of faceless avatars who mock me or call my stupid. also, putting my face out there is so scary! i'm super insecure about me lips and my hands ;( bullying cultutr just sucks. but i love you all :) if you want to follow me or talk with me, my instagram is the same as my website name.
on a positive note, yesterday i went to canterbury and it was magical. i never would have thought i would have liked a place in england! i met with my mum's friend, and they are sooo nice and have an adorable little girl. they also have the most beautiful ginger cat called rara, short for rasputin. i got some photos with him :) i also went to HMV and i was gonna get a hatsune miku drink, but it was too expensive sooo i put it back. but i got some cute kitty cat badges, some yuri on ice pins, and some moomin pins, and those hello panda chinese cookie things. if germany doesn't work out in the future, i think i would quite like to move to canterbury. i can't wait to visit them again!
aaaurghh. i have a migraine. i should probably go to sleep. hehe.
^gusonana
my emotions are like a yo-yo, they go up and down and up and down and up a-
there are simply just some days where socialising with others, and just being in the presence of / being seen by other people is too overwhelming. i'm good with studying and schoolwork but actually being in a social environment like school is exhausting, to say the least. my friend from uni also didn't come to london to see me which made/makes me feel sad. oh well. life goes on, i suppose. i wish it didn't, though.
update: someone threw a bottle of coke at my head with full force and now i am emotionally and physically in shambles
^gusonana
i got an eyeshadow pallette from my other friend, a new bag, some shemaghs and a hebrew learning book. my friend from university is coming to london to celebrate with me, im very excited :)
^gusonana
i haven't updated this blog in a while. :D
guess what? it's my birthday in 4 days and i will be 17 years old. i'm so excited :) grown up nana, here i come B)
^gusonana
school is so tiring and mentally exhausting.. our school is always saying how they care about mental health but the way they act tells me otherwise.
^gusonana
here are some stuff i've never told any before. i just wanted to type these out so i can come too terms with them.
one of my biggest insecurities is my hands and feet - i have a condition called palmoplantar keratoderma which is an incurable skin condition which causes the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands to have thicker skin, which makes them look really ugly and makes me scared that no one will want to date me or find me attractive bc of this. once i was on a date with a guy i met online in london and i pulled out my phone which caused him to see my hands and he said something along the lines of "oh god what is that". i'm also insecure about my body and find myself undereating or over exercising in the hopes that it would make me more attractive so someone will like me.
i remember my dad also saying in afrikaans that he didn't love me or my brother or something which i still think about often.
when i was 12-15 i was so starved of validation as a queer teen that i let older men take advantage of me, just in order to feel appreciated. and that whole thing about liking older men still stuck wuth me
i've turned to vaping and drinking now in order to relieve anxiety, but now im dependant on them, i get really scared about either of them running out.
^gusonana
two days of work in a row on the weekend, then college for a week after.... ughhhdehduheue and i already called in sick last week so i can't do it again this week. -.-
^gusonana
up until this morning i was doing relatively good (not doing backflips out of happiness but y'know... stable, at least) and now, i'm not suicidal or anything at the moment, but i'm just feeling monotonous again. like there isn't any joy to life. i'm pretty sure the guy i've been talking to for a few months has lost interest and that really hurts to see. i'm at a loss on what to do, in both that sense of quasi-romantic relationships and life in general. i don't know what to fo in the future as a job, i was thinking of going into farming, but is that really realistic? is *any* job in ghis capitalist climate even realistic anymore? i don't know. it all sucks.
^gusonana
happy new year everyone :) i'm so very happy that the sun is starting to come out more. i'm already feeling a little less depressed and more happy, i can't wait to start cycling more and start going out into the forest qwq
school is really stressing me out still and making me feel a bit depressed, A-levels are really kicking my ass. i will try to update my log more often. thank u to everyone who reads these, visits my website and gives me kindness :)))
^gusonana
i didn't want to leave you all in the dark before 2022 so i wanted to say happy holidays and may you find health and happiness in 2022. :)
^gusonana
i'm so sorry i haven't updated a lot! i'm just really busy at the moment. although, next year (only in a few weeks) i'll have a new page for 2022 diary entries. how exciting!
^gusonana
i'm still feeling under the weater. my social worker suggested i write in my journal every day about my feelings, so i think i'll do that. i also thought to myself, that i should maybe write in german here. because why not? i want to improve my germab more, so from now on, i'll include a german part of my journal (ger-nal? germanyal- no that doesn't work, sorry you had to read that).
***
heute fühle ich mich ein bißchen traurig. ich weiß nicht genau warum, es scheint mir dass ich immer ein bißchen deprimiert bin -- aber, ich bin so glücklich, dass ich mein deutsch verbessert habe. heute haben wir "die verwandlung" gelesen, und ich konnte so viel deutsch verstehen. ich möchte mehr deutsch schreiben und sprechen. ich lerne auch russisch seit letztem donnerstag. vielleicht in der zukunft kann ich hier in meinen website (?) aus russisch schreiben. das wird cool.
es tut mir leif, fur mein schlechter deutsch.
^gusonana
i'm feeling kinda gloomy, i hate christmas... i'm wishing it was summer or spring again, i miss taking long walks in the forest, soaking up vitamin d and being able to wear t shirts only outside.. but my ears and neck and legs get so cold in the winter, there's barely any sun, and it makes my depression even worse because i get little sunlight....
christmas also reminds me of how dysfunctional our family is -- it never goes well for us yet every year my parents insist on making it a perfect holiday and it's just jdsgfhdsavhfjggha
i have a sociology test tomorrow and i cannot be bothered for the life of me to actually do it. :/
^gusonana
how exciting! it's nearly halloween... i cannot wait! halloween is the only holiday i enjoy. i hate christmas, because my seasonal depression kicks in and i turn into a serotonin defficient zombie, but halloween has so much atmosphere around it... it reminds me of when i was a pagan and used to celebrate samhain and my ancestors. i think i'll do that again this year br>
^gusonana
did you all see the animal crossing direct 2 days ago? isn't it so exciting?! brewster, kapp'n and katrina are back, and cooking!! how exciting!
i can't believe 2022 is nearly here... i've nearly been here on neocities for 1 year now. how cool is that?
EDIT: also that crush i was talking about a few posts back? yeah i don't like him anymore. no reason, i just don't find myself attracted romantically to him now haha. also i'm going on a date this saturday.... i'm quite scared but excited at the same time. wish me luck!
^gusonana
i just got an ipad! neocities from a tablet is hard but i can make it work i think :)
^gusonana
i keep finding myself looking at him or trying to get his attention... maybe i was dramatic in my last story and he didn't know how to respond.. although i still wish i was aro -- maybe if i just outright tell him and make him say no to me just so i can use that as a way to get over this stoopid crush
^gusonana
i'm so heartbroken... the person i liked a lot is ignoring me... i dmed him something and he hasn't replied, but on my seccond account i posted something and he liked it.... i'm so sad i can't even bother to type this on my computer, i'm doing it from my phone in my room. i feel sick.... i wish i was straight or aromantic, things would be so much easier
^gusonana
just finished (nearly) my first week at college. it's super fun! it's a lot more academic than school was. i like that. i get to actually study the things i want to study and i love all my teachers.
also, i didn't quit work -- but they reduced my shifts at work because i have school -- in other words, no more work for the foreseeable future... bavfuawgfudfudufa i am so so so relieved.
finally, i made a new playlist, u can give it a lesson here :)
^gusonana
i started college yesterday, got my timetable and my form and i love it. i'm still super nervous for sixth form though. this is such a huge jump...
i'm debatin whether or not to carry on with work... i hate working a lot and it's horrible for my mental health, but making a little extra money is quite nice, i suppose.
^gusonana
i told my boss im going back to school this week so i can't work that much. guess what they proceed to do. they made me have a shift EVERY DAY of this week until school starts. i am practically punching my keyboard in rage. makes me want to SCCREEEEEAAAAAAAM
^gusonana
sorry i haven't been updating much, i've had low motivation due to depression. yesterday i got vaccinated and because im 16 i only get one dose -- yipee!! hopefully that means i can go to germany to speak german. i also started learning french today -- i know, i know, i started leaarning toki pona just 10 days ago, but i think me being autistic allows me to easier learn multiple languages at the same time :D my therapist calls it procrastination and that i "need to prioritise my studies over my hobbies" i call it innovation and making do with what we have, innit
^gusonana
so depressed...
^gusonana
here's one of these longer blog posts again
so i bought a sports bra and a wig and the sports bra is soooo comfy... i'm just waiting for the wig and my makeup to arrive
i've also been toying with the idea of microdosing estrogen -- stupid laws in the uk means i can't get hormones because i'm under 18, so i'll have to buy hormones with my own money (maybe i can open a paypal or something so i can recieve donations) and i need to buy anti ndrogens like bica too
i started reading a short novella in german called "the nameless child" and it's kinda cute. i also started learning toki pona today, and i can't say much except:
toki! mi jan Nana en mi toki toki pona, toki apikan, toki tosi en toki inli. toki pona li toki suwi
yeah, not very good. i'm working on a toki pona section on my website when my toki pona improves enough.
^gusonana
god i hate this city so much. i was stupid enough to not bring by laptop, so i'm writing this from my phone. it is so painful dude
^gusonana
i realy wanna start writing short stories and maybe publishing them but i really have no motivation to... it's not that i'm too lazy, just excecutive function i guess
also shout out to turd for consistently reading these logs :D
^gusonana
i couldn't find a replacement for my africa bracelet :(
beabadoobee was pretty cool and i saw damon albarn too
idk what to write here, i turned down the guy who asked me out, life has been pretty bland lately. hmmmmmmmmm
^gusonana
oh, what a disaster... i lost my africa pendant that i bought in cape town when i last went to visit my family in south africa.... :( i'm absolutely devastated
^gusonana
i'm going to a music festivak on thursday. no one i like is performing, but i'm going to see beabadobee. i'm also going to see kero kero bonito in september :)
does anyone else feel like, i don't now, i'm really good at worldbuilding and composing melodies, but when it comes to writing and singing i'm hopelessly shit :D
i'm feeling kinda depressed, kinda like life is too bland. i think this guy from my school is flirting with me, he said he wanted to hang out today but i said i was busy. he said maybe we can meet tomorrow. he's in a relationship but i think he wants it to be an open relationship, which (for me) is perfect solely because im terrified of commitment... but i don't know.
this was a very lengthy log, i like doing these longer logs. they feel refreshing and typing my thoughts and publishing them is fun!
^gusonana
mmmmmmhh... im so over work.. -.-
^gusonana
rivers remind me of life. always flowing towards their destination, meandering and overcoming obstacles wherever they come across. streams can split off from rivers and form their own path or they can join new rivers. isn't that beautiful?
^gusonana
so.. depressed..
i need some excitement to break the monotony of life. i'm never pleased with what i'm doing. i don't like the way my body looks either.
:(
^gusonana
my cat is sleeping next to me on my pillow, and i can tell she is dreaming because her taill is swooshing and twitching
perhaps cats' dreams come from their tail. :3
^gusonana
don't you feel annoyed when you get lethargic from things that haven't even happened yet?
^gusonana
i'm feeling quite better and i'm more comfortable with my body now
i wanna write an essay but i'm too lazy to. haaaaaaasjsjf d
^gusonana
i hate my body so much. nothing i do can make me happy with it. i can't describe it
i have been feeling horibly depressed lately
^gusonana
i think i'm a girl
^gusonana
tomorrow i'm going for an end of school celebration and picnic with my friends :3 i feel kinda guilty that i'm not working much this week but argh oh wellll fsjfbhsegfyukesy
^gusonana
someone who caused me a whole lot of trauma wants to apologise
i don't want to accept their apology
its ok for me not to accept abusers apologies right
^gusonana
i ordered the switch lite and it's coming tommorow!!!!! i'll add my friend code to my about me section in a bit so stay tuned for that, maybe we can play together
^gusonana
hyperfixation go BRRRRRRRRRR
i tried coming up with an incentive for me to go to work, and that incentive was "if i get paid, i can get the new blue switch lite!" the major flaw in that being I ALREADY HAVE A SWITCH. but heheeh pretty blue :3
yeah so now the worst part about it is now because of me, being neurodivergent, i've started to hyperfixate on the switch lite so bad that it physically hurts my brain. anyways, i have work again tomorrow so you can bet i'll be on that switch lite grind!
^gusonana
this one person i met online and were friends with was snakey to me and my other friend group. i distanced myself from her but i tried making ammends, as did she. this was all to please someone else in our group.
but now for literally no reason (i haven't interacted with her AT ALL) she told me to shut up when i tried talking to her, and she unfollowed me. it hurt at first, but then i realised i'm not gonna let some lowlife who is several years older than me bully me and get me down! i have other friends who i KNOW care about me. i don't need validation from older people anymore!
i deleted my twitter and blocked her on everything. i'm not worried about the oher friend asking me to befriend her again, because this time, we BOTH saw the message she sent me.
i don't need anyone else, i'm going to live for myself!
^gusonana
i'm off tomorrow. i want to learn to code html and css better, so i can make this log prettier. i am so tired ...
^gusonana
something really (cool? funny?) i found online -- basically, if one were to google "dolphins" by avril levine, you will find literally fucking TONNES of websites hosting lyrics for this song.
except this song doesn't exist.
the wierd and kinda eerie thing about this for me is that all of the lyrics are very poorly spelled, which just further ads to the mystery.
is it a copyright trap? is it a mistake? i don't know...
here you can find the lyrics for this seemingly non-existant song. take care everyone...
^gusonana
recovery is so fucking hard. i know i don't skip meals as much as i used to but whenever i look at a food item or whatever, all i feel is guilt.
i associate beauty with skeletal anorexic bodies and now that i'm not underweight anymore i feel fat -- even though my weight is normal. i'm constantly on the verge of fainting and it's affecting my school and work life.
^gusonana
:/ so i started work and... it sucks. customers are so fuckin rude and they don't treat me like a human.
it's so frustrating!
money doesn't really motivate me either, but at least this job has further motivated me to do well at college. maybe if i work hard enough i can do a job i actually like. i'm going to give college my all!
^gusonana
welp i got the job. the interview was scary but i did it.
we didn't end up going to canterbury. it was raining over there and the person we were meeting have a baby.
i don't like babies. babies are assholes.
^gusonana
:/ so i'm starting work soon which doesn't particularly excite me in all honestly. i barely have enough energy to get myself up in the morning to go to school or whatever and it sucks knowing under this bullshit capitalist economy i'm required to do this shitty retail job that pays me minimum wage just for me to get by. i kinda have no motivation to do anything anymore but i guess i'll have to deal with it until the revolution comes lol
in other news i'm going to canterbury tomorrow. hopefully i can sit down in a nice open field and lay down and relax to take my mind off of things. but arrgrhhhh my interview D: wish me luck ;)
in other words, my cat is sleeping next to me, and she is dreaming. her tail is swishing about -- it's adorable. it reminds me of when i was little, my mamma tied a balloon around my wrist and we both pretended it was a dog. i appreciate she played along with her dumb 4 year old's fantasies.
^gusonana